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Posted by : Rimia Alkahestry Monday, October 13, 2014

It looks so obvious that I didn’t write much since May. If you read all the posts in this blog, you must know why I’m like this. You must know what the reason that makes me stop writing, spazzing all that had happened.
You must know about a group, one of groups, that I love so much. Like months in a year, they have 12 members. You must know how I love to see them completely, as 12. They had been separated in the early debut promotions. The good thing is, the happiest thing is that I could see them as 12 after a year, when they launched their first album. That was the most happiest and precious moment for me. I’ve said to myself many times, I would like to see them as 12 until the end, I didn’t want them to be separated anymore.
Opposite to my wish, one of them decided to leave the group in the middle of May this year. He left without any words, he didn’t say anything to the members, to everyone. Many rumors were spread at that time, but anyone didn’t know which one was the truth since he didn’t explain anything. Do you know how hurt I am at that time? It really hurt me, until today. I cried and cried, just because I couldn’t imagine the group without him, I couldn’t imagine how the other members feeling about the departure. He was always funny in every show, he always made people laugh. I just couldn’t imagine how the group would look like without him. They looked completely fine as 12. It would be weird to see them losing one member. I tried to not believe what was happening, but the truth was screaming right in front of my face.
Then, all I could do is just letting him go.
I’ve tried to look fine to see them as 11 members. Even if something hurtful like this happens, they must continue to do their activities. They had to hold a concert, they had to survive, they had to entertain fans, they had to look that nothing happen. All the people knew how hurt they were, but they tried so hard not to look hurt, they tried so hard to look fine, like nothing happened. Sometimes they looked so heartless, that it was easy for them to forget him, after years passed. But everybody was hurt. No one can doubt that.
It was not a month after the departure, another news came.
It was not from the same member. It was another member.
The rumor was not about departure, but a dating.
You must know my favorite members in the group. I like them all, but they were two members whom I loved so much. So, the one of them was dating. How could I accept that fact so easily? I was so brokenhearted, it was so silly that actually I shouldn’t act like that. It just simply hurt me. I remembered at that time I read the news, I got sick and I left my room, that I didn’t want to stay in my own room. It was just because I got many photos of him in my room. Some people supported him with his relationship, they said he was so great he could date his bias. They said if he could, we could do the same, to date our bias. How could I do that? My bias is dating another girl. It hurt me so much, until today, that I didn’t want to look at him, his photos, and I didn’t even want to eat oreo anymore. That’s stupid, right? It’s so stupid how he could affect my emotion, and how silly I was to feel that feeling to him. I hated why I was like this, and I was disappointed about how he behaved.
This disappointment turned out into another fact, that I still loved the group, but I didn’t love him anymore. Stupid, right?
Months passed, I still felt hurt about that dating news. I can’t retell when the last time I look at his photos. I try to forget about him, and I guess I’ve forgotten about him bit by bit.
And another news came.
It happened today. And this is from another member who is my bias. And this is about another departure.
Do you ever experience how my feeling is like?
He decided to leave, due to his healthy. He had been overworked and he got sick recently, and he couldn’t endure it anymore. He wanted the contact nullification with the company. Some people had been predicting about this news, but they didn’t expect this was really happening. He really left, no one believed it. And it was hard for me to believe it, too. It’s never been easy. I felt like I lost something important today. I cried, regretting why it had to happen again. I’m so sad, that I can’t see him performing again with the rest of the members. I’m so sad, that he left the group. The members had been feeling so hurt because of the first departure of the other member in May, and why could this happen again?
This guy is the guy who I always write story about. He’s my inspiration. And what can I do now if I lose him?
But I believe this is the best for him, and for us. To see him sick is more hurtful than to have this leaving. I want him to always be healthy and happy. He can do anything he wants if he’s healthy.
I don’t feel that he’s leaving, he’s just taking a rest from the group. I hope I can see him again someday. I hope he will update his weibo often so I will know about his condition.
My beloved group now only has 10 members. I never expect I would lose 2 members. I think they would be forever together, my precious OT12. But I should understand that nothing lasts forever. And so does the group.
Wish the best for the group, and for the other 2 ex-members. Wish their happiness, success and healthy.
And for my bias and inspiration, my 2E – 1L – 20, I will always write stories about you. You will be always my main character. Hope you get fast recovery. 엉엉엉 ㅠ.

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